Sunday, September 13, 2009

Football God Week 2: Part 1

Well, well, well. Two weeks in and we already have our second loss by somebody's choice for a National Championship team. Freshman Quarterback Charles (Matt) Barkley did two things this weekend to make him one of my favorite college quarterbacks. First, he beat THE Ohio State, a team I couldn't hate anymore if they raped my mother. Secondly, his post game interview with (insert minority side line reporter here) was the closest thing I've ever seen to an oblivious reenactment to Will Ferrell's post race interview in Talladega Nights. He clearly didn't know what to do with his hands.

That means that so far Shawn and Rob's losers in the National Championship are already losers themselves. That leaves USC, Florida, and Texas as the only teams that people put in the National Championship without a loss yet. And, if Oklahoma & OSU win out they still could make it to the championship, because if you're going to loss, better to do it early.

In hilarious news, Andrew's pick to win the ACC fought a long hard battle with nemesis Jacksonville St, needing every allowable quarter to work it's way to victory. How do you go from putting on a vintage game against Miami that could elevate your team back up to National powerhouse status to dukeing it out against a team that I've never heard of. Piss fucking poor.

Florida dominated Troy, who we all have winning that one conference. I think. I don't know. Maybe Colin picked something different. Here is a picture of Tim Teebow during the game.

In good for one program bad for another news, Houston who a couple of people picked to win...Conference USA? The Mac? Not sure really, upset Oklahoma St who proved they were much more overrated than their ranking indicated.

Not a lot else happened this weekend. Mediocre Michigan upset mediocre Notre Dame, who myself, Shawn, and Rob each picked, further solidifying Rob's position as the cancer for teams taht he picked for this season. Cinci & Oklahoma beat their opponents by a combined 2 billion points, and God spent a little bit more time on Geiss, because he's so handsome, you see.

In this weeks Pick 'Em Folden led the way, scoring 13 points. This was followed by 12 for myself and Geiss. The glove started to fit a little better, with Munez putting up 11 points, along with Joe & Jim. Andrew, Shawn, Colin, & Rob got what they deserved, picking the cover for most teams this week and responded with a mediocre 10 points.

For the season, Folden now has a slim lead with 24 points. I'm right behind him with 23 points. Voyten, Munez, and Joe are next with 22 points. Geiss, Colin, & Andrew are next with 21 points, and Rob & Jim bring up the rear with 20. Geiss, I'm gonna call you out here. You usually have lovely little quotes from funny movies as your name, and I think you can do better than Pineapple Express. I expect more from you.

Moving on to the Pros, which thank the fucking god finally got started this weekend. The NFL kicked off on Thursday with a vomit inducing performance by the Black Eyed Peas & Tim McGraw. Dumb. The Steelers & Titans opened up the season with an entertaining game. Both teams played stout defense, and Kerry Collins appeared sober.
However, other reports are that he's still racist.

Big Ben managed to chill out for the better part of three quarters before finally getting involved in the game. Although I feel like the Steelers were outplayed, they found a way to win.

In Sunday's games, Drew Brees made the Lions smell their assholes off of his cock, by throwing 6 touchdown passes. The NO defense punished Matt Stafford's ugly ass in his first game as a pro, while my defensive rookie of the year pick Malcolm Jenkins racked up an impressive 1 tackle.

Also, the Broncos avoided their first of many loses this season, based on a fluke play that led to victory. I don't think it was good luck that helped them out, but more the habitual terrible luck of the Bengals. I'm going to use this a great time to segway into a story from the NFL Draft this year that Shawn & I attended.

We sat behind a group of Bengals fans. As soon they were on the clock they started chanting, "Draft a G.M" referring to Mike Brown, the owner of the Bengals who refuses to spend money/attempt to win games. I spoke to the guys, and they revealed themselves as the writerss of the Cincinnati based blog After several minutes, the Bengals pick was in, and Roger Goddell (spelled right) announced that the Bengals had drafted trouble offensive lineman Andre Smith. IMMEDIATELY, one of the guys snatched a paper bag up from under his chair and throw it over his head. It was without a doubt, the most entertaining moment of the day. And I'm not underplaying the draft, it was a ton of fun. It was just the perfect moment of anguish, self and city loathing, and comedic timing.

That being said, I could never hate the Bengals, because their fans (aside from a couple of fleeting moments half a decade ago) are the Football version of the Pittsburgh Pirates. That franchise is worse than the Lions, worse than the Raiders. At least for the past two decades they are.

Also, in other funny Rob makes bad picks news, Rob's superbowl pick the Carolina Panthers got hammered all day long by Football God NFC favorite Phili. In perfectly set up drama, McNabb got hurt, making people wonder if Vick will get the week 3 start. Jake Delhomme looked like Strathmore Stock, turning the ball over 5 times. This means that in Jake "The Jakes" last two games he has turned the ball over 11 mother fucking times. That, my comrades, is the worst fucking thing that I've ever heard.

I found other more accurate pictures that I could use for Jake Delhomme, but I had to use this one. This is a picture that is supposed to be depicting the quarterback controversy between Rodney Pete & Jake Delhomme from 5 or 6 years ago. This is the least inspired photoshop that I've ever seen in my life. What is it about Delhomme? He's always been one of those guys that gets the job done well enough to keep his job, but you know is never going to take you to the promised land. He's like the ME of the professional football world.

Also, San Fran HERE WE GOOOOOOO MOTHER FUCKERSSSSSS started their run of domination with a win against the go fuckyourself Cardinals this week. More like Mike Awesometary

Adrian Peterson whipped out his boner and beat it over the head of the Browns with 3 touchdowns and 180 yards. Manly. Perhaps it's too early to warrant Timmy T with the Jesus playing football figurine as a picture.

In other news, many people found the Texans an incredibly sexy pick this season (including Rob, of course). The Texans looked terrible, getting pounded by the suprisingly good looking New York Jets. Maybe Folden was onto something when he made that scary as fuck me in the ass pick of the Jets winning the Wildcard.

Part two Tomorrow Night or Tuesday morning.

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